Mary Sue Must Die
by Amethyst Turtle
Summary: Miss Mary Sue does not amuse Robin.


AN: Just some practice getting "in" with Robin's character. And an excuse to kill a Mary Sue.  
So Robin may seem slightly OOC for whatever careless mistakes I made on my part.  
4-28: Fixed the scene dividers, due to the disappearance of my beloved asterisks.

Mary Sue Must Die

_Day 103_

_It has come to my attention that our newest crew member, "Miss Mary Angel Death Yuki Crimson Teardrop Tsuki Blood Rose Sakura Sue the Third", has strange qualities that even I cannot comprehend._

_For one thing, I think her eyes constantly change colors every few minutes._

_I was not so shocked when Captain-san invited Miss Mary (as I shall refer to her since her full name is a mouthful) onto our crew since he does have that compulsive quality in him. What startled me was how readily everyone else accepted her. Even Swordsman-san, who is not one to trust easily, flashed a rather unnatural grin and declared he would help Miss Mary integrate into our close-knit group._

_Strange... _

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

"Mary-chwaaaaan~!" Sanji noodle-danced down the stairs, somehow balancing a tray on one hand. "Here's your beverage!"

"Why, thank you, Sanji-san!" the newest crew member giggled. She accepted the smoothie and took a sip. "This is delicious!"

"MY HAPPINESS CANNOT BE MEASURED!!" Sanji roared, collapsing to the deck in a fit of blushing.

"Oi, Mary, you wanna train with me?" Zoro called from the grass lawn where he was doing pinky-pushups with a weight on his back.

"Maybe later, Zoro-san!" Mary smiled. "Keep up the great work!"

"I'll do my best!" Zoro grinned, accelerating his pace.

Robin frowned behind her book.

--X--

_Day 104_

_Yes. Something is amiss. _

_I can understand Cook-san's flirting- it is in his nature. But Swordsman-san? If I did not know better, I would think..._

_No. That's a ridiculous thought. I shouldn't allow such brash theories take over me. _

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

Robin walked into the kitchen to refill her coffee mug, only to be met by a rather disturbing sight.

Mary was feeding Luffy with a disgustingly bright pink spoon.

"Captain-san...?" Robin raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, hi Robin! Isn't Luffy so _cute_?" Mary Sue giggled, pinching Luffy's rubber cheek. Luffy laughed and opened his mouth, demanding more food.

Robin slowly backed out the door.

--X--

Later that night, Robin lay in her bed with a book while Mary was drawing something at the desk. Nami was outside, since it was her shift to keep watch. Mary looked up and smiled.

"Robin! What do you think of this?" Mary held up the drawing she was working on. It was a sketch of Robin on her bed with the book in her hand. Mary must have been watching Robin without her noticing.

"It's nice." Robin nodded vaguely.

"Aw, Robin! You're too quiet, y'know?" Mary jumped up from her desk and sat on Robin's bed.

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Robeeeen!" Mary whined. She scooted up closer and wrapped her arms around Robin.

"I'd prefer if you didn't do that." Robin said, uncomfortable with the unannounced hug.

Mary didn't answer. She leaned in closer and rested her head against Robin's shoulder, snuggling up against the former assassin.

--X--

_Day 105_

_I believe Miss Mary attempted to seduce me this evening. _

_Nothing else of interest occured today. _

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

"Hey, Mary! Check out the fishing rod I made!" Usopp said, holding up what looked like a spear with wire wrapped around it.

"That's really cool!" Mary smiled dazzingly.

Usopp melted into a puddle of happiness.

--X--

"Yo, Mary-sis!" Franky held up a hand and Mary high-fived it.

"Franky-brooo!"

They spent another thirty seconds carrying out an elaborate, secretive secret handshake that clearly only they knew.

--X--

"I'm not happy at all that you think I'm cute, bitch~!" Chopper blushed furiously, unsuccessfully attempting to hide his wide grin.

"Well, then I'm not happy at all that you're not happy!" Mary teased.

Chopper giggled and buried his face in his hooves.

--X--

Robin passed by the aquarium to see what appeared to be Mary teaching_ Brook _how to play the harp. Brook was listening intently and grinning while Mary showed him the different parts of the instrument.

--X--

"Isn't Mary really cool?" Nami asked, flipping on her stomach to look at Robin.

"It depends on how you look at it." Robin answered.

"You know... if I didn't know any better, I would think that you're _jealous _of Mary." Nami said thoughtfully. Robin closed her book.

"One cannot be jealous of perfection. That would make life boring."

"Aha! So you _admit _that she's perfect!" Nami stuck her tongue out.

Robin stared back at Nami for a prolonged moment before opening her book again.

--X--

_Day 106_

_I fear Navigator-san is beginning to idolize Miss Mary. _

_It's quite ironic, really. She posesses the most common sense on this ship._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

"Yohohoho! I propose a toast, to Miss Mary Angel Death Yuki Crimson Teardrop Tsuki Blood Rose Sakura Sue the Third, our newest crew member!" Brook said loudly, standing up and raising his glass.

"To Miss Mary Angel Death Yuki Crimson Teardrop Tsuki Blood Rose Sakura Sue the Third!" Everyone but Robin repeated, raising their own glasses.

"Oh, you guys! I'm not _that _perfect! I'm so embarassed!" Mary squealed, hiding her blush beneath her hands.

Robin narrowed her eyes ever so slightly.

--X--

_Day 107_

_Miss Mary is not a normal human, or a normal Devil Fruit user for that matter, I am sure of that. There was a brief stint with a small Marine ship- nothing but krill- this afternoon, and Miss Mary had singlehandedly obliterated every splinter of the adversary's vessel. _

_She apparently possesses two Devil Fruits- the Mera Mera no Mi and Mizu Mizu no Mi. _

_Impossible._

_Firefist Ace currently has possession of the Mera Mera no Mi. As far as my knowledge extends, he is not dead. Yet. No two of the same Devil Fruits may exist at a time. _

_The Mizu Mizu no Mi is nothing but an urban legend, a pitiful glimmer of hope for those who imagine there may be a Devil Fruit that can counter the standard weakness to the sea. _

'It does not exist'_, as stated by Dr. Vegapunk himself. _

_But I suppose every theory is meant to be disproven._

_Quite frankly, I am rather surprised that Miss Mary has not spontaneously combusted and sprayed her inner guts all over the ship from all the perfection she is housing. She must be close to bursting by now._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

"Coool! Show us more of your powers, Mary!" Chopper said in awe, sitting crosslegged before the beautiful girl. Usopp and Luffy were sitting beside him.

"Sure! Which one? Mera Mera or Mizu Mizu?"

"Both! Both!" the boys chorused.

"Okay then!" Mary squinted her eyes in concentration. Immediately, her left arm burst into a column of cheerfully burning flames while her right arm melted into a hovering pillar of flowing, crystal water. She clapped them together and her entire body exploded into a mixture of flames and water, each somehow not cancelling the other out. In a graceful twist, she flew up into the air, red and blue mingling with each other.

Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp whooped and cheered with excitement.

Robin watched them, her expression unreadable.

--X--

"Cook-san, do you have a second?" Robin entered the kitchen.

"Of course, my dear!" Sanji answered, chopping up fruits- no doubt for one of Mary's smoothies.

"What does fire and water create when combined?"

"Steam, obviously. You already know that, though, Robin-chan. Why do you ask?" Sanji's curly brow bobbed in confusion.

"Oh, no particular reason." Robin smiled, exiting. "Just checking."

--X--

_Day 108_

_Navigator-san continues to accuse me of being envious of Miss Mary. _

_Nothing else of interest occured today._

-_End journal entry-_

--X--

"Yohohoho! May I see your panties, Miss Mary?" Brook bowed.

"Only if you show me yours." Mary jokingly responded.

"YohohohoHOHO! My tickle bone has been mercilessly tickled upon!" Brook laughed.

--X--

"Zoro-san, you should stop being so hard on yourself!" Mary said soothingly, rubbing Zoro's back.

"I can't. I have to get stronger." Zoro replied, cradling his head in his hands.

"You're already so strong, I'm surprised there's room for improvement. You should take a break." Mary whispered. Zoro looked up at her gratefully.

"Thanks, Mary. I guess I will."

The eye and ear poking from the wall above them vanished in a tiny puff of petals.

--X--

_Day 109_

_I fear for the worst. Swordsman-san has decided to pause his training for a day. Very unnatural of him to do such a thing._

_Swordsman-san and Cook-san haven't argued in two days, either. _

_Perhaps they are ill._

_Miss Mary attempted to do some "girl talk" with me. _

_It was quite awkward._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

"Admit it, Robin! You're jealous! J-eaaaa-o-lous!" Nami poked Robin's shoulder.

"Then I could say the say thing to you." Robin calmly said without looking up from her book.

Nami gaped at Robin in disbelief before huffing and stomping away.

--X--

_Day 109_

_Navigator-san is quite upset with me. Honestly, I'm not surprised._

_I happened to come upon Miss Mary and Swordsman-san kissing in the observation deck seven minutes ago. _

_I am not surprised about that, either. _

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

That night at dinner, Sanji glared at Zoro enviously as the first mate and newest Strawhat member (who didn't hold an exact position on the crew) made googly-moon eyes at each other from across the table. The rest of the crew seemed to be unaware as they laughed, ate, and chatted.

For a brief glorious moments, everything was normal. Sort of.

--X--

_Day 109_

_Nothing else of particular interest occured today._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

"Mary-chwan, how could you choose that marimo over _me_?!" Sanji asked desperately.

"Shush, Sanji-san." Mary leaned in closer to him.

Robin happened to pass by the kitchen as she saw Mary kiss Sanji before the overwhelmed man fainted.

--X--

_Day 110_

_My, my. Finally, something interesting occurs. _

_I wonder if Swordsman-san will be upset if he discovers about Miss Mary's kiss with Cook-san? No doubtedly, of course._

_Approximately twenty four minutes after that brief affair, I just so happened to catch sight of Captain-san, of all people, kissing Miss Mary on the Sunny's figurehead. Franky would not have been pleased if he had discovered this._

_It appears that Miss Mary is quite a... as Navigator-san would probably put it (if she still has any sense left)... whore. I'm curious as to what will happen next._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

"YOU WHAT?!" Zoro roared.

"NO, WHAT _HE _DID!!" Sanji bellowed, pointing at Luffy.

"WHAT _I _DID?!?" Luffy shouted.

"Is there something wrong?" Robin asked amusedly, walking by.

"THEY STOLE MY LOVE!!!" each of the boys furiously accused, fingers pointing at each other.

Robin chuckled, a hint of uneasiness barely detectable, and continued on her way.

--X--

"S-stupid..." Usopp sniffled, curled up behind a crate.

"Longnose-kun?"

"Go away!"

--X--

_Day 111_

_It has been eight days since Miss Mary has joined the crew. _

_She certainly is becoming something a little more than a bother._

_I had no issues with Miss Mary playing fickle love games with Cook-san, Captain-san, and Swordsman-san. That is her business, not mine. I had foolishly assumed it would all end soon enough._

_Longnose-kun was holed up in the storage room this afternoon, bitterly weeping about Miss Mary rejecting him because he is not "strong enough". Doctor-san attempted to confront our three fighters about the matter. Swordsman-san and Cook-san had brutally injured each other, far worse than they normally do, and Captain-san... I cannot fathom what was going on in his head. Longnose-kun declared it was the three mens' fault that Miss Mary had not returned his feelings. Of course, this only sparked yet another fight. Things are becoming worse. _

_Doctor-san was quite miserable for a better part of the day. He believes that it is somehow his fault that the four boys are fighting. There is nothing I can do to console him._

_I found Franky moping below deck. His fridge was empty but he did not bother to refill it. He did not show up for dinner, either, and opted to binge on cola in his workshop by himself._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

For the entire day, all the boys (save Brook) avoided each other, unusually gloomy unless Mary was nearby. Nami still refused to talk to Robin (who didn't really mind).

"I fear there are rifts forming among us, Robin-san." Brook said sadly, playing a slow song on his violin. The harp lay untouched in the corner of the deck. He attempted to make a skull joke but it trailed off. Brook looked off at the ocean horizon mournfully.

"I agree." Robin nodded. Something was definitely wrong with their nakama.

Brook hadn't even asked to see her panties.

There was _definitely _something wrong.

--X--

"Navigator-san? Are you still upset with me?" Robin asked light-heartedly, sitting down beside Nami.

"Ye-...nooo... I guess not." Nami sighed. She turned to Robin, her eyes sad. "The morons are acting all depressed. Luffy hasn't bothered me in two days and even Sanji hasn't been flirting with us as often. Franky hasn't danced in who knows how long, and Zoro didn't cuss me out when I increased his debt just for the hell of it! I don't like it."

"I don't like it either, Nami-chan." Robin said.

--X--

_Day 111_

_My decision has been made._

_Miss Mary must go._

_Reasoning is not possible. Every conversation I hold with Miss Mary results in her futile attempts to either seduce me or fix my hair. Everyone else is much too occupied with their personal angst to notice anything odd about Miss Mary. Nami-chan is very upset as well._

_She is destroying our bonds and toying with the boys' hearts like a cat with the mutilated bodies of its prey. Eventually we will... no, I musn't think what will happen in a few days. This must end now._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

The next morning, Mary stood at the railing, her rosy, angelic face turned to the rising sun. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of purple and her long, golden, cascading hair blew gently in the breeze.

"Hello, Miss Mary."

Mary turned around to see Robin smiling blankly at her.

"Oh, good morning Robin!"

Robin raised an arm and muttered a few syllables to herself.

Mary never saw it coming.

Smiling with satisfaction, Robin picked up Mary's awkwardly bent, bloody corpse with the assistance of more arms and tossed it overboard, listening for the splash as it fell into the ocean.

Robin went to the kitchen for a mug of coffee.

--X--

_Day 112_

_And so the fact that I was able to kill Miss Mary further proves the fact she was no ordinary Devil Fruit user. If she truly was a girl of flames and water, my attack would have had no affect as I cannot harm Logia types. Sadly, my little experimentation was proved true. _

_She did, in fact, die. _

_I suppose I will have much to explain to everyone else._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

Dinner was so frustratingly normal that Robin began to feel as if something were amiss. No one brought up any questions about the empty seat or even the bloodstains on Robin's shirt that she had forgotten to wash off.

"Oi, Robin, watscha matta'? Luffy asked, cheeks stuffed with meat.

"Yeah, you haven't been acting pretty super lately. Something bothering you, Nico Robin?" Franky asked.

"Does anyone here recall who Mary was?" Robin asked.

"Oh yeah... she was that one girl who came with us that one time... gah, it's all too blurry." Franky shook his head.

"Is something the matter, Robin-chan?" Sanji asked, setting a plate of heart-shaped breads before her.

"No. Nothing at all." Robin smiled, sending Sanji into a violent fit of rapture.

"You're wrong, Franky. Mary was that girl who tried to kill us a few days ago, right? She didn't last long. I don't know what that kid was thinking." Zoro said.

"She probably had some sort of mental illness. No sane human girl would try to fight _you _guys." Chopper said.

"Or me!" Usopp added in. "Like that time an entire school of blood-drinking piranha sharks attacked us, and then-"

"THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" Zoro yelled, bonking Usopp over the head.

"She ran at us with a plastic sword and an empty bottle of water. I remember." Nami chuckled, shaking her head. "She was shrieking something about being the most beautiful pirate ever. Bull-_shit!_"

"Yohohoho! I only regret missing the opportunity to see her panties!" Brook laughed sadly.

"You and your pervert ways!" Nami shouted, kicking Brook.

"Are you sure you're not making stuff up, Robin? Cuz _I _don't remember any Mary." Luffy said.

"... No. I suppose it was all just a nightmare, then." Robin smiled vaguely.

--X--

_Day 112_

_There is no plausible reason as to the sudden memory loss of my nakama concerning the girl once known as Miss Mary Angel Death Yuki Crimson Teardrop Tsuki Blood Rose Sakura Sue the Third. As to why I was the only one who seemed to see past her charade... that is a mystery as well. _

_It was all real, however. I just know it. I could not have been hallucinating for nine consecutive days without anyone else failing to notice any odd behavior from me. Doctor-san, especially._

_Perhaps Miss Mary was just a part of the craziness of the Grand Line. There certainly are strange happenings going on around these teacherous waters. _

_Navigator-san attempted to do some "girl talk" with me this evening. It wasn't so awkward as it was with Miss Mary._

_Nothing else of particular interest occured today._

_-End journal entry-_

--X--

AN: Robin-chwaaan~  
I do not support the idea of a Mizu Mizu no Mi. I just don't. Even if Oda introduces some badass character with that power, I still won't like the concept of it. It's just so _cliche _and desparingly _obvious_.  
Unless if Oda uses some of his mangaka-magic to vamp it up (like how he introduced Jyabura, who was one ugly-ass wolf when fangirls usually imagine a bishie with wolf ears, a fluffy tail, and little fangs), then... just, no. But if Oda can come up with crazy powers like Robin's, then I doubt he'd have to resort to a Water fruit.  
Jyabura ftw... For pretending to be Robin's big bro. XD  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


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